The New Crack

February 28, 2009 at 4:03 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , )

At night I tend to have a bit of a sweet tooth and lately it’s only been satisfied by hitting up Fruit Roll-ups. Apparently I am an eight year old. It’s not my fault, honestly, it’s my mothers dealers. My supplier has this thing where if she finds you like something, then if one is good five is better, and you damn well better have your pantry empty because she’s going to fill it up with that shit.

She doesn’t buy them for me, they’re for my kid and though Mr. Wonderful likes them, I covet them. There’s something about them that soothes my savage soul and after a couple of them I might be able to stop my gluttonous ways before I hit the cookies or ice cream.

Should you concur with my thoughts on their yumminess, heed this warning:

Make sure to carefully remove all the plastic they are wrapped in in a well lit and probably well ventilated area.

If you don’t and find it’s a bit tougher than it should be you might want to make sure you removed all the plastic. Not that I would know anything about that.

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Friday Soap Box

February 27, 2009 at 5:47 pm (Friday Soap Box) (, , , , , )

I’m done with the media, I can’t take any more of their negativity. I wish it were true that one person can make a difference, I would be all over their asses and demand change in their reporting. Why oh why can’t they do their job in this era of Hope and Change and go find some HOPEFUL newsy things to report on? Has it occurred to any of the powers in charge that perhaps they are a big part of the problem with the depressing state of things? Granted we don’t want to be in the dark here but damn, people need to start hearing some good news for a change so we can maybe feel a little bit of hope.

So I’ve heard it reported around blogland that there is a shortage on ammo, damn me and my procrastination! Now that scares me. I’m certain that Mr. Hope and Change will do his best to make sure I don’t get any either. And then when the media finally decides to report on something positive like there’s still one person with food in their refrigerator, me,  I will have a limited number of rounds to take out the people trying to break into my house and steal my food.

Best blog tagline ever:

they took all my change I was gonna buy hope with, dammit.

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February 24, 2009 at 4:52 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Life has been an absolute bitch lately and it’s been making Poison cranky and an unproductive blogger. Even though I should have focused elsewhere today, I decided I really needed to take the time and finally start clearing out the Den of Doom, it’s been way beyond an acceptable time frame and weighs heavily on me.  I can’t believe how much shit I’ve already thrown out and even though this will be a longer process than I would like, at least it’s started and that feels pretty damn good.

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Happy Single’s Awareness Day!

February 13, 2009 at 11:02 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , , , , )

Today Ms. Drill will sojourn to the northern tundra to visit Casa de Poison. We plan to suffer gluttony by eating big hunks of bloody red meat and getting our serious drink on while celebrating the day I came into this world. Hilarity will certainly ensue as we partake in the other Deadly Sins and when recovered, I will be back with tales of merriment, inebriation,  and most likely the burning and exorcising of demons.

Stay tuned.

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The Man Found Me

February 4, 2009 at 5:12 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , )

I’m a bit creeped out. My last post was around 10:00 pm last night and according to my blog stats a certain company found me at 9:54 am.  I personally didn’t even mention this company, only pasted an article where their name was mentioned and provided a link. I did a quick Google search of my title, Corporate Whining, and came up #2. I feel so very special.

To borrow Ms. Drill’s soapbox again…

WTF? Do corporations actually have someone who sits in their cubicle all day and does nothing but Google to see where their name shows up? How do I get one of those jobs, I have great Google skills!

After 6 minutes and 36 seconds on my blog I hope they determined I am not a PR nightmare and will let it go at that. Or am I now on some watchdog list? That would so crack me up. Let’s see, she talks about: 

  • the voices/monkeys in her head
  • Stocking up on ammo
  • The Man
  • quotes Deadwood, John from Cincinnati, D Ali G
  • swears a lot
  • the aliens in her ankle
  • links to Dead Kitten Mittens (for the homeless!)

Obviously this woman is nutty as a fruitcake, a clear and present danger.

I am curious to know if any fellow bloggers have encountered this phenomena? Should I be cautious, should I mention their name more, should I be very prepared if I hear a knock at my front door, should I add them to my “fuck you…insert company name here” letter writing campaign?

Blogging is so much fun!

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Corporate Whining

February 3, 2009 at 10:17 pm (Thought of the Day) (, , , , , )

Disney is now whining about its profits being down in DVD sales:

The company said it earned $845 million, or 45 cents a share, in the quarter ended Dec. 27, compared with a profit of $1.25 billion, or 63 cents a share, in the same quarter a year earlier.

Boo fucking hoo. I am so sick of all the corporate whining and how their profits are down. I know there are many companies truly hurting in this economy but I believe there is a very real possibly more companies are jumping on the bad economy bandwagon to justify their rising costs to the consumer.

I fully admit that I know dick about economics but I do have common sense. When I hear that a company is making almost a billion dollars in a quarter I say there is a good chance the company is still making money.

When gas prices escalated so did our food costs. Does anyone have any idea, now that gas is less than 1/2 of what it was, when food prices will start to come back down? Hahahahaha, I’m funny I know.

But seriously, I’m about to declare a “fuck you…insert company here” letter writing campaign to all major food*, toiletries, and cleaning products manufacturers that I can think of.  I’ve never been much of a generic item kind of shopper but now I am pissed and make it a point, whenever possible, to buy generic**. I am so sick of seeing all my money going down the toilet, literally, so those fuckers can charge me more, downsize the product and then pull shit like this:

Warning! Before you click on the link I think these folks are possibly not that far removed from PETA and their Sea Kittens***.

Kraft foods contain unlabeled GMOs and the company has fought to prevent the passing of labeling requirements.

I found that little gem while trying to do some research on how much of the Kraft Foods product line is actually produced in the U.S. Well I didn’t have much luck since they have manufacturing facilities all over the world and frankly, I just don’t feel like spending much time on the research.

My point is, before I came across the above link I had never heard of these GMOs and was curious to see what Kraft Foods is being accused of. After 30 seconds more of extensive research I was lead to this site where it is explained:

Unlabeled GM sugar in the food supply by 2009

This year, farmers are planting Monsanto’s Roundup-Ready GM sugar beets for sale to food producers for the first time. This beet is genetically engineered to survive multiple, direct applications of the weed killer, Roundup, and its active ingredient, glyphosate. What’s particularly appalling about the approval of this GM sugar beet is that at the time of its approval, Monsanto convinced the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to increase the glyphosate residues allowed on sugar beetroots by an astounding 5,000 percent. This opens up the possibility for excessive pesticide spraying on GM sugar beets.

What’s more—

Beets are wind-pollinated, which means that plants from one field routinely pollinate beets in other fields up to several miles away. GM contamination from cross- pollination would be unavoidable and that could put related vegetable varieties at risk such as green and red chard and golden and red table beets.genetically-modified, pesticide-soaked beet sugar would wind up in just about all non-organic cereal, bread, baby food, cookies, candy, etc., and would be listed in the ingredients merely as “sugar.”  Which really should surprise no one, since it’s not like any other genetically-modified, pesticide-soaked products are labeled as such—who would buy them?

Admittedly, I’m lazy and truly don’t care enough to probe any further so feel free to educate me in the comments.

You know what this is all coming to. If things don’t turn around soon I’m going to have to turn my beautiful Kentucky Blue into 1/2 garden, 1/2 pasture, and live off the fat of the land. So help me out here and stock up on your generics, write some emails, get all proactive and shit.

* We will exclude beverages as some things you just can’t repudiate, they are the elixir of life, and most likely the only thing getting most of us through these End of Days.

** I know that by buying generic I’m probably not making any kind of statement to The Man and the generics are probably manufactured by terrorists or something. However, I am saving money and hopefully not helping some CEO buy a $1400 waste basket.

*** I was going to link PETA and their Sea Kittens but I don’t want them anywhere near my blog or my furs! You’ll just have to Google it.

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Word of the Day

February 3, 2009 at 10:58 am (Word of the Day) (, , , , )

Because I am intellectually barren at the moment I give you this.


An innovative synonym for “disadvantages.”  Improve your chances for a potential job by using the word in an interview!  Impress your English Teacher!

Applicant: And how much paid vacation does your company offer?
Employer: We give 2 weeks paid.
Applicant: And what are the popinickels of this position?
Employer: Popinickels? Wtf? You’re hired!

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