Friday Edition of Dreams and Dead

April 24, 2009 at 9:32 pm (Exorcising Demons, Friday Soap Box) (, , , , , , , )

Death’s been on my mind a lot lately. The psychic Ms. Drill had a dream about an elaborate Saprano-like funeral and cuz we know how she is, when relaying the dream to me said, I wonder who’s going to die. A few days later I had a dream, yet again, that Mr. Fuckery was back from the dead and trying to tell me the mistakes I’ve made this past year and a half and what needed to change. The next day my sister called to tell me her dad died.

Periodically I have these dreams where he comes in like nothing has happened and tries to pick up life where he left off and I’m all like, are you fucking kidding me? I let him go on for a while and eventually have to tell him he’s dead but before I can get his reaction I always wake up.

There’s a blog I read where a woman, who very much loved her husband, lost him recently to a terminal illness. I read her blog and sometimes feel bad that I don’t feel those emotions of a love that’s lost. We’re suppose to mourn those we lose, it’s like a law or something, but mostly what I feel is indifference. I can empathize with the feelings of being overwhelmed, feeling alone, etc., but I can’t really relate to the rest.

At one point I did love him but the last couple of years he was alive he made sure to destroy that love. And during those last couple of years I was already grieving the loss of my marriage so I guess I had some of the grief already behind me.

As far as the dreams… when someone takes their life it raises many questions that can never be answered, especially when you never saw it coming. I expected a lot of things from him but that wasn’t one of them so it leaves things open ended and I assume that’s why I have these dreams. But most days the questions don’t bother me and as time goes on just becomes more of a curiosity.

Hell I don’t even know what my point is here but I do know that grief has been replaced with just living, learning to depend on no one but myself, and giving my son and me the life we deserve.

Did I hear you say my time is up?  Don’t even think about billing me.

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1 Comment

  1. jdrill said,

    OMG bill you? Have I ever? My dear poison,all will be well,your on the right road. And anyway old Mr Fuckery was in my dreams this week. Just hangin around. I don’t mind though, gives me a chance to tell him what a C.S.er.he was. And is ,as a dead nothing . SO THERE. Every day is a new day and a great day.Every single one. Love you Jdrill

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