Todays search term that will land you here <—- “the poison in a dog’s butt”

December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm (Mad Cow List, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head, true story) (, , , , , )

Speaking of asses… I have no time to read blogs let alone blog myself but since I did managed to squeeze Christmas out of my ass afterall then I guess I can squeeze a blog post out of there as well. Merry Christmas!

Sitting here enjoying a nice fresh cup of coffee before I get back on my go-go and start cleaning before the festivities begin tomorrow. All shopping is done, there’s a bit of food and liquor in the house, and though I have a sinus infection all seems pretty good right now. Weather wise, wow… ice storm this afternoon and tonight but the roads are supposed to be okay by tomorrow afternoon. At least they better be… not sure which would upset Mr. Wonderful more, Santa not showing up or JDrill and her entourage.

Here’s a little story for ya. Back in 1978, my roommate (not JDrill, she has sense) and I decided to move to California. We had mentioned it a couple of times but it never was a serious discussion until we were doing acid one night. I believe it was in the fall, all I remember is it was raining, lots of rain and I’m not sure how it all came about… I was stoned afterall… but we just said to each other, “fuck it, let’s do this.”

We packed up her Ford Pinto with whatever seemed necessary at the time, you know, some clothes, makeup, can goods but no can opener, our two cats and four kittens, oh and some booze.  We went to our places of employment and left notes and then hit the road.  About 2 hours into the drive we went around a curve that had a warning sign but ended up in a ditch anyway. As we sat there a trucker came by but didn’t stop and a little bit later we saw the lights flashing on an upcoming squad car. Now don’t forget, we are stoned, on acid for Christ’s sakes. The Officer said he would call a tow truck but we told him we didn’t have much cash on us so he said, “ok let’s see if we can push you out.” My friend get’s back in the car and the cop and I are behind it pushing and as she hits the gas mud flies out from behind the tire covering the cop. Ooops. We did get the car out and amazingly he was cool about it so we were off on our tripping merry way but only for a couple of miles when we see lights flashing behind us. She pulls over and the same cop asks for our ID, goes back to his squad and after a few minutes comes back and tells us we are free to go and to be safe. We assumed at that point he started thinking that maybe we were runaways and should probably check it out.

We continued on our journey until we started getting tired/the acid was wearing off and at that point we were in Des Moines, Iowa, so we got a hotel room and slept a bit. When we awoke our craziness started sinking in and we decided we had better give our parents a call to let them know that we were okay. Having had frantic calls that morning from our employers they were obviously very concerned but we assured them that we decided our plan wasn’t a good one and were driving back home that day.

So kids, there’s today’s lesson…. if you’re fucked up and think it’s a great plan, it’s NOT. And that’s my Extreme Stupidity story of the day.

I hear ice pellets on the skylight. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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When life is tricky and I don’t mean a tricky dick, though one would be nice.

November 18, 2009 at 5:24 pm (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , , )

Last night I had a dream that just would not end. I’d wake up and go back to sleep and the damn thing would just keep going. It was about the love of my life but in present day. What do these type of dreams mean?

Last year I got in touch with him because when we split I promised him I would always stay in touch so give or take 20 years I felt it was important to keep my word. As fate would have it, we were both single and after a couple of months of phone calls that would last for hours at a time he flew from Florida to see me. It was great to see him but the end result was we both realized that our lives are very different and it just isn’t meant to be. Well that and the tribble but that’s a tale for another post.

So back to the dream. I think it means the next great thing is on the horizon. That’s my theory and I’m stickin’ to it. 2009 was suppose to be a great year for me but the clock is ticking and I’m not sure there is a grace period on this. The year is almost over and damn it… something good NEEDS to happen soon.

JDrill told me the other night she ought to introduce me to this guy she knows that’s a millionaire. Now most women’s response would be, Oh Hell Yeah! My response, “fuck, he lives 180 miles away and that sounds like too much trouble.” What kind of cuckoo brain says shit like that? No wonder I’m still single, I should just carry a cactus in my purse. Bonus points if you know the movie.

For a while now I’ve been trying to find something to blog about but seriously, there’s been nothing but dead air or chatter going on in my head. Tuesdays was the day I could usually pull out at least a sentence or two but now I have this new co-worker who brings nothing to work to occupy her time other than her voice so it’s constant chatter about nothing. She’s really nice enough but fuck, Tuesdays was my day to relax.

And now for a bit of corporate whining. I don’t know how I am going to make it to Christmas this year. The we are going to have such a happy Christmas ads have already started and I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to throw something at the tv each time I see one. We have “reality” (ha) tv, can’t we have some reality commercials? I really want someone to step up to the plate and say they know this Christmas is going to suck and give us some solution as to how we’re going to pull this one out of our ass.

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My Closet is a Scary Place

October 26, 2009 at 8:07 pm (Monkey Business, Polls) (, , , , )

After conferring with my magic 8 ball tonight, it assured me I would be going on a date soon. It’s been a while since I had one and I want to make sure I am dressed for the kill.  Though I have been compared to the likes of June Cleaver I’m thinking I need to leave the pearls and apron at home. Not wanting to appear as a desperate slut either I think I should probably save the leather and cat o’ nine tails for a more appropriate venue. Without those two options I have a serious wardrobe dilemma. 

I have sparkly cinderella shoes, a fox stole, miscellaneous “damn your ass looks good in those” jeans, flip flops with bunnies on them, some workout clothes that I’ve never actually worked out in, and some killer gladiator shoes that I can’t wear because it’s too cold. This is quickly becoming a sad turn of events.

However, a few minutes ago I was standing in my closet thinking that surely there must be something in here that would be date acceptable and then it occurred to me that hidden, in a very special secret place that has yet to be determined, I have a stashed outfit. If I remember correctly, I last wore this outfit in Nineteen Hundred and Ninety One and it totally kicks ass. There are black stirrup pants, a leopard jacket with black knit sleeves, 4″ heels that are striped cloth from the 1940s, cat-eye glasses… with rhinestones!, and some totally awesome garish jewelry.

So kids, what’s it going to be… jeans, fox stole and bunny flip flops or leopard jacket and cat-eye glasses? I report, you decide.

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I am a killer of cute little chipmunks and rabbits, box wine for the bitches, and I no longer handle stress very well

July 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm (Exorcising Demons, Monkey Business, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , , )

Last week Mr. Wonderful was weeding over by the pond and yells, “mom, there are two dead chipmunks in the pond!” Sure enough there was, not like he would make that shit up but I was surprised. Though I do have chipmunks that live behind the pond I have never harbored dead chipmunks. After securing the crime scene I properly disposed of them (that is if properly disposing of them is picking them up with the pooper scooper and putting them in the weed trash can). Later I was talking to a friend who is pretty sure I am not a chipmunk killer and said that they must have gotten a hold of some poision and then when they went to drink out of the pond their stomachs blew up or some shit and fell in. Poor little guys. My blog might be called Poison’s Aftertaste but it has nothing to do with me poisioning anything, especially little wild pets.

JDrill is visiting for the week so now I have four doggies at my house. I’m certain that by the weeks end one of us will trip over one and break a hip. And it has now been determinded that my dog has lost his mind but I’m not sure why. More as the story develops. UPDATE: I now have five dogs at the house… JDrill’s boyfriend is over with his dog.

This morning I’m trying to get out the door for work and I’m standing on the deck saying goodbye to my company and next thing I hear is, “shit! Dog #3 has a rabbit!” (we have to count them like kids to make sure they are all accounted for… starting to feel a bit like Kate + 8 – Jon) Thank God her boyfriend was still here cuz we both yell, “dude… handle it!” I can scoop up a chipmunk with a pooper scooper but I can’t handle an almost dead rabbit. Turns out this was an already injured rabbit, car injury but man am I skeeved out right now with all the critters goin’ down in my yard.

Saturday night on our way out to the ho-down my neighbor text me and wanted to know if she could drop off her two dogs since she wouldn’t be home. Are you fucking kidding me!!! My dog freaks over fireworks so I already had to tranquilize him, two are fine with them and the other is deaf so obviously they don’t bother her. Though we never got to why I needed to watch her two dogs I seem to recall they don’t like fireworks either. She probably thought I was lying when I told her I was on my way out the door and already had 4 at my house.

We made it to the party Saturday night. It was on a river front property and not far from the city’s firework display so we had a good view for them. The group of people who attended were not my usual peeps but JDrill and I can roll with anyone and so we did. It was interesting to say the least and there was box wine for the bitches.  Enough said.

Tomorrow I will be busy setting up for a garage sale.  Nothing more fun then having a bunch yahoos traipsing all over your property, trying to steal or haggle over the price of almost free shit. Good times.

I’ve been trying to get this posted for two days so that’s it, I’m done, for now. Certaintly more hilarity to ensue this week so until then, toodle loo.

P.S. There may be many misspellings (including this word, I’m not sure). For one: we all have our words we jack up, two: full disclosure here… I took a Soma to relax my overstressed self.  Hey, I’m desperate and have no Xanax only dog tranquilizers. I’ve tried to spell check twice, on two different computers, both times it locks up.

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I don’t need to be fishing next to some knuckle-head

July 1, 2009 at 8:47 pm (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Garage of Gloom, Monkey Business) (, , , , , )

I haven’t abandoned the blog, just been very very busy, don’t bother me. JDrill is coming to visit for a week, I have the hiccups, a garage sale is about to commence, there’s a ho-down to attend this weekend, I’m dog sitting a deaf and blind dog that I have to watch like a shit hawk or she eats her own poop, it’s the Deadliest Catch season, and there are weeds that need to be pulled.

I’ll be back when I have a few extra minutes.

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If I don’t post something soon I should probably turn this into a craft blog.

May 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm (Exorcising Demons, Family Foolery, Monkey Business, Oh Hell No, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , )

Hells bells and cocker spaniels.  Ok, fine, whatever, I’ll get off my lazy ass and post as I don’t want to be responsible for anyone dying on my blog.

Ms. Drill came to visit over the weekend. Not sure if I have security clearance so I can’t say what it is but she brought her new car… ooohhhh is it drool worthy! So much so that I had to name mine Clyde cuz that’s about what mine looks like in comparison.

In other news, we went out Saturday night and tore it up. We had a final destination in mind but after a couple of beers and a shot of tequila… as she put it, “our asses grew roots to the stools” we were sitting in. Turns out we knew the band and decided to hang there and get people dancing, which we did.  She was smarter than me though, she didn’t chance that second shot of tequila but I did. Then there was this guy, who whenever he came up to the bar would smile at me and by then I was starting to feel a bit brave and two certain people kept telling me to go talk to him so I did, only to find out the woman he was with was hidden by the popcorn machine. So as I approach I’m all like… ah fuck, how do I get out of this gracefully… so I kinda just walked around them and made a beeline for some other guy at the bar and started talking to him. Yeah, I’m real smooth like that. It’s a good thing I don’t do this kind of thing often, I’m sure my humiliation of the evening will keep me from attempting any more shots for a while.

To say we felt a bit fuzzy the next day would be an understatement and fortunately we only had a family cookout to attend. I was good and earlier in the day only had two beers, you know, to take the edge off. We came back home and settled in to watch Breaking Bad and both of us were a bit unsettled by the ending scene. The next day a friend called me to tell me that one of his friends’ daughter had died a few days ago from the same thing (OD’d) and a guy he worked with died on Sunday in a bike accident. Fuck.

So that was our weekend… how was yours?

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Trailer Park Boys

March 27, 2009 at 9:17 pm (Monkey Business) ()

Obviously I live under a bigger rock than Patrick Star. How did I not find out about this show until today??? I’m certain I’ve been to every blog on the internet and no one, not one single person has given me a heads up. I had to hear about it at work for Christ’s sakes!

Drill, they’re using a G scale train… guess I better refuckulate one of those engines, hang on to the rest of the cars cuz I’m pretty damn sure I have enough track to reach Canada. 

This is video 1 of 3 for this episode and is so worth 6.5 (really the full 22 or whatever) minutes of your day.

ETA: There appears to be season 8 episode 1 on the YouTube footer. Leave it to me to read the last chapter of a book first.  If you need more TPB I found this link where you can watch the first 7 seasons.

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Breaking Bad

March 7, 2009 at 11:50 pm (Monkey Business) ()

The season premier is tomorrow night!

For J. Drill, here’s the link to watch the pilot episode of last season.

Breaking Bad on AMC 

To read up on the other episodes go here:  Episode Recaps

Enjoy.

PS. I’m a bit late but… WOLVERINES!

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The New Crack

February 28, 2009 at 4:03 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , )

At night I tend to have a bit of a sweet tooth and lately it’s only been satisfied by hitting up Fruit Roll-ups. Apparently I am an eight year old. It’s not my fault, honestly, it’s my mothers dealers. My supplier has this thing where if she finds you like something, then if one is good five is better, and you damn well better have your pantry empty because she’s going to fill it up with that shit.

She doesn’t buy them for me, they’re for my kid and though Mr. Wonderful likes them, I covet them. There’s something about them that soothes my savage soul and after a couple of them I might be able to stop my gluttonous ways before I hit the cookies or ice cream.

Should you concur with my thoughts on their yumminess, heed this warning:

Make sure to carefully remove all the plastic they are wrapped in in a well lit and probably well ventilated area.

If you don’t and find it’s a bit tougher than it should be you might want to make sure you removed all the plastic. Not that I would know anything about that.

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Happy Single’s Awareness Day!

February 13, 2009 at 11:02 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , , , , )

Today Ms. Drill will sojourn to the northern tundra to visit Casa de Poison. We plan to suffer gluttony by eating big hunks of bloody red meat and getting our serious drink on while celebrating the day I came into this world. Hilarity will certainly ensue as we partake in the other Deadly Sins and when recovered, I will be back with tales of merriment, inebriation,  and most likely the burning and exorcising of demons.

Stay tuned.

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