The Lost Weekend…

April 20, 2009 at 2:26 pm (My Hypochondria) (, , , )

…which didn’t star Ray Milland.

Awoke Saturday morning to ninjas attacking my intestines which then lead to me realizing that FLU is actually an acronym and not short for influenza, as I had always thought. This assualt was brought on by an 89 year old woman who had told me last week that “getting old ain’t for sissy’s,” and I will admit she’s one fiesty old woman to have survived this because I was almost wishing for death on Saturday.

Still not feeling to great so I will be back soon as I get my sassy back.

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When Translations Get Mixed Up

January 21, 2009 at 10:41 pm (Monkey Business, My Hypochondria)

After reading the article posted below I believe I have Alien Ankle Syndrome.

Alien Hand Syndrome is a very unusual neurological disorder. The person that has this disorder seems to have a hand that has a mind of its’ own. It sounds like it is something straight out of an episode of X-Files. This condition happens after someone has a major trauma to the brain or after they have a stroke.

The brain controls the functions of the limbs. So with this disorder, your brain is sending the messages to your hand but the hand does not understand the message. Your brain says shake that mans hand while the hand translates it as slap that guy in the face. The translation gets completely mixed up.

People who have this syndrome do things like take off their glasses and throw them on the ground or they will grab people by the arms that they do not know. They are unable to control what they do. It is said that 1 out of every 100 stroke victims are prone to get this condition.”

As far as I know, this has in no way affected my hands and I haven’t had a stroke or major brain trauma (though that’s always up for debate). 

Obviously since the name has the word Alien in it and they mention the X-Files, they are involved. I do think there was a good chance I was abducted by aliens (or Fox Mulder) and they thoroughly probed my ankle. I’m pretty sure they implanted some kind of buzzer in it, like one of those hand buzzers but only way cooler because it was invented by aliens. So anyway, when they are bored and want a good laugh they press their alien doohickey and I start limping and yelling things like, “Fuck, Shit, Son-of-Biscuit!” And staying true to the klutz that I am, I end up running into walls or falling over things, usually the poor dog as he’s always under foot.

In the last paragraph they mention taking off your glasses and throwing them on the ground. I take my glasses off and sometimes knock them to the ground! And grabbing people by the arms that you do not know… seriously, I can’t tell you how often I want to grab some asshole and shake them just because they’re so fucking stupid!  And most importantly, these people are unable to control what they do. This blog is becoming a fine example of my lack of self control.  

I have all the proof I need to make the diagnosis.

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