My Closet is a Scary Place

October 26, 2009 at 8:07 pm (Monkey Business, Polls) (, , , , )

After conferring with my magic 8 ball tonight, it assured me I would be going on a date soon. It’s been a while since I had one and I want to make sure I am dressed for the kill.  Though I have been compared to the likes of June Cleaver I’m thinking I need to leave the pearls and apron at home. Not wanting to appear as a desperate slut either I think I should probably save the leather and cat o’ nine tails for a more appropriate venue. Without those two options I have a serious wardrobe dilemma. 

I have sparkly cinderella shoes, a fox stole, miscellaneous “damn your ass looks good in those” jeans, flip flops with bunnies on them, some workout clothes that I’ve never actually worked out in, and some killer gladiator shoes that I can’t wear because it’s too cold. This is quickly becoming a sad turn of events.

However, a few minutes ago I was standing in my closet thinking that surely there must be something in here that would be date acceptable and then it occurred to me that hidden, in a very special secret place that has yet to be determined, I have a stashed outfit. If I remember correctly, I last wore this outfit in Nineteen Hundred and Ninety One and it totally kicks ass. There are black stirrup pants, a leopard jacket with black knit sleeves, 4″ heels that are striped cloth from the 1940s, cat-eye glasses… with rhinestones!, and some totally awesome garish jewelry.

So kids, what’s it going to be… jeans, fox stole and bunny flip flops or leopard jacket and cat-eye glasses? I report, you decide.

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When Disappointment is Overwhelming

January 29, 2009 at 3:29 pm (Polls, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , )

Last Friday night I had a conversation with someone and they told me something I needed to hear and I’m grateful that the truth came. So this past week, while trying to process my indignation over the whole matter, I have been hoping I could come up with some kind of hilarity in all of this to:

  1. Deal with it
  2. Have something to post on the blog

Honestly, not coming up with much.

I want to know why this source of disappointment appeared in my life?These life lessons are starting to wear thin on me. I sort of know why but I want to lay it out on the lab table, dissect it, look at it under the microscope, light it on fire, and then put the ashes in my mini Eiffel Tower urn, cuz that’s how I roll. The only satisfaction I’m getting right now is knowing what a bitch Karma can be and perhaps I racked up a few points on this one.

I want to know what the fuck is wrong with people?  There must be good people out there. I must find a way to distract the bad ones from entering my life, I’m so done with them.  Perhaps I need to wear a big button. As the great philosopher J. Drill once said, “I’m tired of being their momma and trying to teach them the difference between right and wrong.”  So for those that do know the difference between right and wrong and being a decent human being, the line forms to my left.

Let’s have a poll! I sure hope someone can come up with better answers for me.

ETA: Why doesn’t my poll show what was typed into other? Aren’t the poll fairies working?

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Let’s Have a Poll!

January 11, 2009 at 8:55 pm (Polls)

So I was talking with a friend who said she read that if you had an orgasm when you conceived that you are likely to have a boy because of something scientific like the X axis doesn’t like the something or another the woman’s orgasm releases so they swim away.

So hit me up on the poll so I can submit it to the JAMA as y’all know they will most certainly publish it.

UPDATE:  I’m so sending this to JAMA now as it’s officially a real poll with real data!

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