My Closet is a Scary Place

October 26, 2009 at 8:07 pm (Monkey Business, Polls) (, , , , )

After conferring with my magic 8 ball tonight, it assured me I would be going on a date soon. It’s been a while since I had one and I want to make sure I am dressed for the kill.  Though I have been compared to the likes of June Cleaver I’m thinking I need to leave the pearls and apron at home. Not wanting to appear as a desperate slut either I think I should probably save the leather and cat o’ nine tails for a more appropriate venue. Without those two options I have a serious wardrobe dilemma. 

I have sparkly cinderella shoes, a fox stole, miscellaneous “damn your ass looks good in those” jeans, flip flops with bunnies on them, some workout clothes that I’ve never actually worked out in, and some killer gladiator shoes that I can’t wear because it’s too cold. This is quickly becoming a sad turn of events.

However, a few minutes ago I was standing in my closet thinking that surely there must be something in here that would be date acceptable and then it occurred to me that hidden, in a very special secret place that has yet to be determined, I have a stashed outfit. If I remember correctly, I last wore this outfit in Nineteen Hundred and Ninety One and it totally kicks ass. There are black stirrup pants, a leopard jacket with black knit sleeves, 4″ heels that are striped cloth from the 1940s, cat-eye glasses… with rhinestones!, and some totally awesome garish jewelry.

So kids, what’s it going to be… jeans, fox stole and bunny flip flops or leopard jacket and cat-eye glasses? I report, you decide.

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Freaky Friday on Tuesday

October 20, 2009 at 11:15 am (Cleaning Fairies) (, , , , , )

Hey! How ya been? Seriously, times flies when you’re not having so much fun, doesn’t it? Been busy, blah, blah, blah, people have been pissin’ me off, blah, blah, blah.  Um no, it’s not you… just some idiot that for five minutes I thought I would let back in my life to only find I was disappointed yet again, will I ever learn?

A little bit ago I had a nice surprise and someone stopped by to see me. I’ve only been expecting this person (herein refered to as JC) to stop by and see me for some time now but I think he’s a bit shy and I’m a bit old fashioned, I like to be the one pursued at first.  I’ve known of this person since my late teens and mysterious forces have put us back into one another’s path. After talking for a few moments we discovered that our world is very small, very very small and it appeared to answer a big question for him so I think he will be calling again very soon. It’s hard to explain but I just have this very strange feeling and I think it’s actually a good one, God let’s hope so. I seriously need some good feelings, they’ve been so few and far between for too long now. Winter’s coming and wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone, with a genuine heart, to snuggle by the fire with. Just as a crazy aside, JDrill has been dating a guy for some time now whose birthday is the same day as her mother, JC’s birthday is the same day as my mother… kinda freaky.

My stepbrother is coming home from Germany on Friday and bringing home his new German bride to meet the family. Most of my spare time has been helping my mother get things in order for their arrival. Tomorrow’s the last day I have to help and so hopefully I will find more Internet time. Hell I haven’t even had time to read one of my favorite bloggers! Sorry dude. They will be here for a week and after that he is being deployed back to Afghanistan, please keep him in your prayer’s if you will.

A little linky to share with you all. I love Podcasts and recently just found Keith and the Girl, hysterical crazy ass New Yorkers. They have different daily guests, though my personal fav is Patrice… love her voice and she’s funnier than hell. I figure I only have so many more years left and one of my objectives is to go out laughing even if that means it’s just some stranger’s Podcasts. So go forth and enjoy! (FYI, they always start the show with a prayer but it in no way sets the tone for the show.)

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Hobos and etiquette but not etiquette for hobos

September 29, 2009 at 11:56 am (Family Foolery, true story) (, , , , )

Last week I’m sitting here at work and it’s raining outside. The door opens up and this guy is standing there wearing a black 13 gallon garbage bag around his torso. He inquires if I have another garbage bag he can have as he needs to go to the hospital and it’s about a 3 mile walk. I tell him no, all of ours are small. Why doesn’t he take the bus, does he not have a dollar? Perhaps he didn’t but if you give one hobo something word gets out and then they’re all coming in and asking for handouts.

      

My dog has been very very bad the past 6 months or so, basically he’s been getting to big for his britches/collar. I’ve had to go back to the basics and work on re-training him, one area includes working for any treats. In the past, each time he would go out he would get a treat when he came back in but because of the tough economic times I’ve been cutting back the treats anyway and now because he’s been acting like a total asshole he has to work for them.

When he was a puppy I would try and get him to sit and shake on command but it never went very well because he’s been clinically diagnosed by me and the Internet with dyslexia and when I would say sit he would stand on his hind legs, cross his front paws and start dancing. (If you think it’s unlikely that a dog can be dyslexic, my last dog went deaf and learned all by himself how to read lips.. true story.) He’s older now and has arthritis so his dancing days are over and I thought maybe now I can get him to sit and shake but it’s not going well. When I tell him to sit he will, though he sits more on the side of his hip, and when I say shake and try to tap his front paw to get him to raise it instead he lays down and raises his back leg. Ah, what are ya gonna do, I can’t hold his disability against him so in the end I figure he worked it and he gets the cookie.

 

Recently I decided to join a dating site. I know what I don’t want in a man and I know what traits I am looking for. I don’t want to waste my time or anyone elses with endless chats and meeting for coffee if I don’t feel there is going to be some kind of chemistry there. With that being said, before I open an email I check their profile and if not interested then I don’t bother reading the email. Once I sent someone an email and he didn’t reply so cool, not interested, let’s move on. Etiquettely speaking, I probably should come up with some suitable reply that says in some nice way, I have no interest in talking with you let alone dating you, so if anyone has any suggestions please leave them in the comments! Anyway, a couple of guys emailed me like three times but this one guy put in the subject line of his 3rd email, “you’re a creep and I hope you die alone.” I did open that one and all he said was “nice.” Seriously…the fuck? Ok then, thanks for clarifying how endearing you are and how you don’t have deep deep issues.

 

And now that you’ve read and commented please go read and comment on my Awesome friend’s blog!

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Lahey Poetry

September 22, 2009 at 11:31 am (Quote of the Day) (, )

He grew up a little shitspark from the ole shitflame, then he turned into a shit bonfire, and then driven by the wings of his monumental ignorance he turned into a raging shitfire storm. If I get to be married to Barb I’ll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unlease a shitunami title wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shitflames forever. And with any luck he’ll drown in the undershit of that wave, shitwaves.

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What is certain to become the next big reality show

August 25, 2009 at 2:34 pm (Oh Hell No, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , )

What is up with all these already fortunate people who have reality shows and then get more perks by starting their own lines and opening stores? I flipped on the TV yesterday and it was on E!  and those two Kardasian girls (spl of their names… don’t care if it’s wrong it’s not worth my time to look up). All their immature and crazy sister bullshit over “their store” and “radio show” and whatever else their spoiled asses had going on. Honestly, I could only take about 7 minutes of it and that was too much. Then there’s Jon from Kate + 8 – Jon… he’s now off trying to set up some divorced dads show and get a deal with the Ed Hardy line. Next up we have the housewifes of whatever city and they now have wig lines and CDs even though they show no talent. What am I missing here folks? How do I get one of these gigs? How about a real reality show on The Housewives of Dead Husbands? I think the title has a catchy ring to it.

Yeah, probably boring tv but hey if the money is rolling in I can surely find many ways to make things interesting!

ETA: Now that I think about it, yesterday’s butt explosion would have been a perfect episode. Not only did we have the drama of that, I had a slight meltdown at the vet’s office which I’m certain would have added a nice comedic angle. Hell my life is one thing or another on a daily basis so perhaps it could be interesting. And with all the trips and shit they supply to add to the shows, which of course JDrill would partake in, that is sure to make for fun crazy times… oh hell yeah, the wheels are churning. Where’s the link to Bravo and E! to pitch my ideas?

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How Facebook will totally ruin my life

August 25, 2009 at 11:00 am (Oh Hell No) (, , , , , )

I thought Facebook was all about stalking ex’s and social networking. I can’t find the time to do anything I should be doing because I have to check my Vampire Wars account at least every 60 minutes so I don’t lose any blood. I am not a gamer but somehow I have been totally sucked (no pun intended) into this one.  Each time I check my account to deposit my blood I find that I have to either then do some missions, buy minions, or go on some attacks and it’s exhausting. Though I can replenish my health and energy it does nothing for me in my real life.

On another note, my dog’s ass exploded yesterday. Though I will try and not be graphic, for those who have delicate sensibilities you might want to skip this part.

Sunday I was brushing the pup and everything about him appeared fine. The next morning I got up and noticed that something was most definitely wrong in the hind quarters. He wouldn’t let me get anywhere close to examine but I knew it was not good. I rushed him to the vet and found out he had an anal gland erupt. She asked me if he had been scooting and I told him a little but not that much. Take heed… make sure your groomer is taking care of your dog’s glands. I groomed him last month but I had no idea this could happen if you miss one expressing.  So long story short, his ass is looking much better today and he should be just fine. I just felt like a horrible mom for him having to endure such a thing. Not only was it painful for him but can you image the humiliation he has to suffer? Mr. Wonderful goes and yells over the fence to the neighbors all about the dog’s butt, with their two dogs within ear shot. Now he’s the laughing stock of the neighborhood, all his dog crew are cracking butt jokes and now none of them want to sniff his ass. 

Since I’m making an effort these days to find the positive in all situations… I guess that’s better than finding out he’s some stray’s puppy daddy.

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Returning to the land of the living with more piss and vinegar

August 18, 2009 at 2:38 pm (Exorcising Demons, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , )

If a few old posts show up in your reader today it’s because I chose to make those posts public again. I had marked a few of them private thinking that certain individuals might see them and heaven forbid someone see what truly goes on in my head. Well you know what, Fuck Them, I have a story to tell and if they don’t like it they can fuck me running. (Actually I won’t be running because that would be stupid and I refuse to run from anyone, well unless it’s someone trying to stab me or something.)

As I try to sort out my life and find some consistency, the last few months have presented a challenge at best. I thought the first year would be the hardest but have since found that was not the case. The first year was foggy and somewhat euphoric, having been set free from crazy at last. This year reality set in and it’s been spent learning how to manage all those broken bits of me and turn myself into something I should have always been.

Lack of time and deciding on what to blog about has been an issue. Like I said above, I have a story to tell but I’m not sure how to tell it and perhaps it’s only interesting to me, I’m just not sure. But I do know that I love making fun of myself over the stupid things I can sometimes do and doing so reminds me not to take myself and life so seriously because really, what good does it truly do to stress ones self into a frenzy when stress in itself has no positive outcome to any given situation.

So I vow here today, in front of both my readers, that no matter what kind of shit is thrown at me in the upcoming months I will refuse to lay down and let that asshole win. If I so much as hint at forgetting this, please remind me.

On an unrelated note, I had a date Saturday night and it was fun. I’m really on the fence about dating… my life just seems too crazy right now and not sure if I have the energy for it. I’ve never really “dated” much, for the most part I have always been in a relationship and dating confuses me and is so out of my comfort zone. But, I decided to stop over thinking things and just go out and have fun so that is what I did.

I’m going to get this posted before I change my mind and this ends up being another permanent draft that never sees the light of day.

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I’m such a dork

July 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm (Garage of Gloom, Oh Hell No) (, , , , )

In what appears to be my perpetual garage sale (my neighbor wanted to have it again this weekend), I met a Bering Sea fisherman!  His wife was looking at this key case that has sailors knots on the front of it and she told me her husband could tie all the knots, I asked if he was a sailor. That led into the conversation that he is an Inupiat Indian and was a fisherman and so I asked him if he fished the Bering Sea and he said yeah, for 21 years. I’m so easily entertained… you would think I met Sig, Keith, or Phil or something.

Mr. Wonderful wants food, guess I better go cook. Back soon.

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I am a killer of cute little chipmunks and rabbits, box wine for the bitches, and I no longer handle stress very well

July 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm (Exorcising Demons, Monkey Business, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , , )

Last week Mr. Wonderful was weeding over by the pond and yells, “mom, there are two dead chipmunks in the pond!” Sure enough there was, not like he would make that shit up but I was surprised. Though I do have chipmunks that live behind the pond I have never harbored dead chipmunks. After securing the crime scene I properly disposed of them (that is if properly disposing of them is picking them up with the pooper scooper and putting them in the weed trash can). Later I was talking to a friend who is pretty sure I am not a chipmunk killer and said that they must have gotten a hold of some poision and then when they went to drink out of the pond their stomachs blew up or some shit and fell in. Poor little guys. My blog might be called Poison’s Aftertaste but it has nothing to do with me poisioning anything, especially little wild pets.

JDrill is visiting for the week so now I have four doggies at my house. I’m certain that by the weeks end one of us will trip over one and break a hip. And it has now been determinded that my dog has lost his mind but I’m not sure why. More as the story develops. UPDATE: I now have five dogs at the house… JDrill’s boyfriend is over with his dog.

This morning I’m trying to get out the door for work and I’m standing on the deck saying goodbye to my company and next thing I hear is, “shit! Dog #3 has a rabbit!” (we have to count them like kids to make sure they are all accounted for… starting to feel a bit like Kate + 8 – Jon) Thank God her boyfriend was still here cuz we both yell, “dude… handle it!” I can scoop up a chipmunk with a pooper scooper but I can’t handle an almost dead rabbit. Turns out this was an already injured rabbit, car injury but man am I skeeved out right now with all the critters goin’ down in my yard.

Saturday night on our way out to the ho-down my neighbor text me and wanted to know if she could drop off her two dogs since she wouldn’t be home. Are you fucking kidding me!!! My dog freaks over fireworks so I already had to tranquilize him, two are fine with them and the other is deaf so obviously they don’t bother her. Though we never got to why I needed to watch her two dogs I seem to recall they don’t like fireworks either. She probably thought I was lying when I told her I was on my way out the door and already had 4 at my house.

We made it to the party Saturday night. It was on a river front property and not far from the city’s firework display so we had a good view for them. The group of people who attended were not my usual peeps but JDrill and I can roll with anyone and so we did. It was interesting to say the least and there was box wine for the bitches.  Enough said.

Tomorrow I will be busy setting up for a garage sale.  Nothing more fun then having a bunch yahoos traipsing all over your property, trying to steal or haggle over the price of almost free shit. Good times.

I’ve been trying to get this posted for two days so that’s it, I’m done, for now. Certaintly more hilarity to ensue this week so until then, toodle loo.

P.S. There may be many misspellings (including this word, I’m not sure). For one: we all have our words we jack up, two: full disclosure here… I took a Soma to relax my overstressed self.  Hey, I’m desperate and have no Xanax only dog tranquilizers. I’ve tried to spell check twice, on two different computers, both times it locks up.

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I don’t need to be fishing next to some knuckle-head

July 1, 2009 at 8:47 pm (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Garage of Gloom, Monkey Business) (, , , , , )

I haven’t abandoned the blog, just been very very busy, don’t bother me. JDrill is coming to visit for a week, I have the hiccups, a garage sale is about to commence, there’s a ho-down to attend this weekend, I’m dog sitting a deaf and blind dog that I have to watch like a shit hawk or she eats her own poop, it’s the Deadliest Catch season, and there are weeds that need to be pulled.

I’ll be back when I have a few extra minutes.

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