Todays search term that will land you here <—- “the poison in a dog’s butt”

December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm (Mad Cow List, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head, true story) (, , , , , )

Speaking of asses… I have no time to read blogs let alone blog myself but since I did managed to squeeze Christmas out of my ass afterall then I guess I can squeeze a blog post out of there as well. Merry Christmas!

Sitting here enjoying a nice fresh cup of coffee before I get back on my go-go and start cleaning before the festivities begin tomorrow. All shopping is done, there’s a bit of food and liquor in the house, and though I have a sinus infection all seems pretty good right now. Weather wise, wow… ice storm this afternoon and tonight but the roads are supposed to be okay by tomorrow afternoon. At least they better be… not sure which would upset Mr. Wonderful more, Santa not showing up or JDrill and her entourage.

Here’s a little story for ya. Back in 1978, my roommate (not JDrill, she has sense) and I decided to move to California. We had mentioned it a couple of times but it never was a serious discussion until we were doing acid one night. I believe it was in the fall, all I remember is it was raining, lots of rain and I’m not sure how it all came about… I was stoned afterall… but we just said to each other, “fuck it, let’s do this.”

We packed up her Ford Pinto with whatever seemed necessary at the time, you know, some clothes, makeup, can goods but no can opener, our two cats and four kittens, oh and some booze.  We went to our places of employment and left notes and then hit the road.  About 2 hours into the drive we went around a curve that had a warning sign but ended up in a ditch anyway. As we sat there a trucker came by but didn’t stop and a little bit later we saw the lights flashing on an upcoming squad car. Now don’t forget, we are stoned, on acid for Christ’s sakes. The Officer said he would call a tow truck but we told him we didn’t have much cash on us so he said, “ok let’s see if we can push you out.” My friend get’s back in the car and the cop and I are behind it pushing and as she hits the gas mud flies out from behind the tire covering the cop. Ooops. We did get the car out and amazingly he was cool about it so we were off on our tripping merry way but only for a couple of miles when we see lights flashing behind us. She pulls over and the same cop asks for our ID, goes back to his squad and after a few minutes comes back and tells us we are free to go and to be safe. We assumed at that point he started thinking that maybe we were runaways and should probably check it out.

We continued on our journey until we started getting tired/the acid was wearing off and at that point we were in Des Moines, Iowa, so we got a hotel room and slept a bit. When we awoke our craziness started sinking in and we decided we had better give our parents a call to let them know that we were okay. Having had frantic calls that morning from our employers they were obviously very concerned but we assured them that we decided our plan wasn’t a good one and were driving back home that day.

So kids, there’s today’s lesson…. if you’re fucked up and think it’s a great plan, it’s NOT. And that’s my Extreme Stupidity story of the day.

I hear ice pellets on the skylight. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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I am a killer of cute little chipmunks and rabbits, box wine for the bitches, and I no longer handle stress very well

July 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm (Exorcising Demons, Monkey Business, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , , )

Last week Mr. Wonderful was weeding over by the pond and yells, “mom, there are two dead chipmunks in the pond!” Sure enough there was, not like he would make that shit up but I was surprised. Though I do have chipmunks that live behind the pond I have never harbored dead chipmunks. After securing the crime scene I properly disposed of them (that is if properly disposing of them is picking them up with the pooper scooper and putting them in the weed trash can). Later I was talking to a friend who is pretty sure I am not a chipmunk killer and said that they must have gotten a hold of some poision and then when they went to drink out of the pond their stomachs blew up or some shit and fell in. Poor little guys. My blog might be called Poison’s Aftertaste but it has nothing to do with me poisioning anything, especially little wild pets.

JDrill is visiting for the week so now I have four doggies at my house. I’m certain that by the weeks end one of us will trip over one and break a hip. And it has now been determinded that my dog has lost his mind but I’m not sure why. More as the story develops. UPDATE: I now have five dogs at the house… JDrill’s boyfriend is over with his dog.

This morning I’m trying to get out the door for work and I’m standing on the deck saying goodbye to my company and next thing I hear is, “shit! Dog #3 has a rabbit!” (we have to count them like kids to make sure they are all accounted for… starting to feel a bit like Kate + 8 – Jon) Thank God her boyfriend was still here cuz we both yell, “dude… handle it!” I can scoop up a chipmunk with a pooper scooper but I can’t handle an almost dead rabbit. Turns out this was an already injured rabbit, car injury but man am I skeeved out right now with all the critters goin’ down in my yard.

Saturday night on our way out to the ho-down my neighbor text me and wanted to know if she could drop off her two dogs since she wouldn’t be home. Are you fucking kidding me!!! My dog freaks over fireworks so I already had to tranquilize him, two are fine with them and the other is deaf so obviously they don’t bother her. Though we never got to why I needed to watch her two dogs I seem to recall they don’t like fireworks either. She probably thought I was lying when I told her I was on my way out the door and already had 4 at my house.

We made it to the party Saturday night. It was on a river front property and not far from the city’s firework display so we had a good view for them. The group of people who attended were not my usual peeps but JDrill and I can roll with anyone and so we did. It was interesting to say the least and there was box wine for the bitches.  Enough said.

Tomorrow I will be busy setting up for a garage sale.  Nothing more fun then having a bunch yahoos traipsing all over your property, trying to steal or haggle over the price of almost free shit. Good times.

I’ve been trying to get this posted for two days so that’s it, I’m done, for now. Certaintly more hilarity to ensue this week so until then, toodle loo.

P.S. There may be many misspellings (including this word, I’m not sure). For one: we all have our words we jack up, two: full disclosure here… I took a Soma to relax my overstressed self.  Hey, I’m desperate and have no Xanax only dog tranquilizers. I’ve tried to spell check twice, on two different computers, both times it locks up.

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If I don’t post something soon I should probably turn this into a craft blog.

May 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm (Exorcising Demons, Family Foolery, Monkey Business, Oh Hell No, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , )

Hells bells and cocker spaniels.  Ok, fine, whatever, I’ll get off my lazy ass and post as I don’t want to be responsible for anyone dying on my blog.

Ms. Drill came to visit over the weekend. Not sure if I have security clearance so I can’t say what it is but she brought her new car… ooohhhh is it drool worthy! So much so that I had to name mine Clyde cuz that’s about what mine looks like in comparison.

In other news, we went out Saturday night and tore it up. We had a final destination in mind but after a couple of beers and a shot of tequila… as she put it, “our asses grew roots to the stools” we were sitting in. Turns out we knew the band and decided to hang there and get people dancing, which we did.  She was smarter than me though, she didn’t chance that second shot of tequila but I did. Then there was this guy, who whenever he came up to the bar would smile at me and by then I was starting to feel a bit brave and two certain people kept telling me to go talk to him so I did, only to find out the woman he was with was hidden by the popcorn machine. So as I approach I’m all like… ah fuck, how do I get out of this gracefully… so I kinda just walked around them and made a beeline for some other guy at the bar and started talking to him. Yeah, I’m real smooth like that. It’s a good thing I don’t do this kind of thing often, I’m sure my humiliation of the evening will keep me from attempting any more shots for a while.

To say we felt a bit fuzzy the next day would be an understatement and fortunately we only had a family cookout to attend. I was good and earlier in the day only had two beers, you know, to take the edge off. We came back home and settled in to watch Breaking Bad and both of us were a bit unsettled by the ending scene. The next day a friend called me to tell me that one of his friends’ daughter had died a few days ago from the same thing (OD’d) and a guy he worked with died on Sunday in a bike accident. Fuck.

So that was our weekend… how was yours?

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Happy Single’s Awareness Day!

February 13, 2009 at 11:02 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , , , , )

Today Ms. Drill will sojourn to the northern tundra to visit Casa de Poison. We plan to suffer gluttony by eating big hunks of bloody red meat and getting our serious drink on while celebrating the day I came into this world. Hilarity will certainly ensue as we partake in the other Deadly Sins and when recovered, I will be back with tales of merriment, inebriation,  and most likely the burning and exorcising of demons.

Stay tuned.

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