Todays search term that will land you here <—- “the poison in a dog’s butt”

December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm (Mad Cow List, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head, true story) (, , , , , )

Speaking of asses… I have no time to read blogs let alone blog myself but since I did managed to squeeze Christmas out of my ass afterall then I guess I can squeeze a blog post out of there as well. Merry Christmas!

Sitting here enjoying a nice fresh cup of coffee before I get back on my go-go and start cleaning before the festivities begin tomorrow. All shopping is done, there’s a bit of food and liquor in the house, and though I have a sinus infection all seems pretty good right now. Weather wise, wow… ice storm this afternoon and tonight but the roads are supposed to be okay by tomorrow afternoon. At least they better be… not sure which would upset Mr. Wonderful more, Santa not showing up or JDrill and her entourage.

Here’s a little story for ya. Back in 1978, my roommate (not JDrill, she has sense) and I decided to move to California. We had mentioned it a couple of times but it never was a serious discussion until we were doing acid one night. I believe it was in the fall, all I remember is it was raining, lots of rain and I’m not sure how it all came about… I was stoned afterall… but we just said to each other, “fuck it, let’s do this.”

We packed up her Ford Pinto with whatever seemed necessary at the time, you know, some clothes, makeup, can goods but no can opener, our two cats and four kittens, oh and some booze.  We went to our places of employment and left notes and then hit the road.  About 2 hours into the drive we went around a curve that had a warning sign but ended up in a ditch anyway. As we sat there a trucker came by but didn’t stop and a little bit later we saw the lights flashing on an upcoming squad car. Now don’t forget, we are stoned, on acid for Christ’s sakes. The Officer said he would call a tow truck but we told him we didn’t have much cash on us so he said, “ok let’s see if we can push you out.” My friend get’s back in the car and the cop and I are behind it pushing and as she hits the gas mud flies out from behind the tire covering the cop. Ooops. We did get the car out and amazingly he was cool about it so we were off on our tripping merry way but only for a couple of miles when we see lights flashing behind us. She pulls over and the same cop asks for our ID, goes back to his squad and after a few minutes comes back and tells us we are free to go and to be safe. We assumed at that point he started thinking that maybe we were runaways and should probably check it out.

We continued on our journey until we started getting tired/the acid was wearing off and at that point we were in Des Moines, Iowa, so we got a hotel room and slept a bit. When we awoke our craziness started sinking in and we decided we had better give our parents a call to let them know that we were okay. Having had frantic calls that morning from our employers they were obviously very concerned but we assured them that we decided our plan wasn’t a good one and were driving back home that day.

So kids, there’s today’s lesson…. if you’re fucked up and think it’s a great plan, it’s NOT. And that’s my Extreme Stupidity story of the day.

I hear ice pellets on the skylight. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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No I Can’t

April 21, 2009 at 2:40 pm (Quote of the Day) (, , , , , )

So my coworker has an adult sister that has Down Syndrome but is considered very high functioning. Yesterday coworker (CW) was busy so she asked her sister to wait for the delivery guy and when he arrived to sign for the item. DS sister says to CW that she can’t, CW says, “yes you can, when he arrives and hands you the paper just sign your name.” DS sister says, “no I can’t,” CW says “yes you can,” DS sister finally says, “NO I CAN”T… I”M RETARDED!”*

And CW, just because she could, calls their cousin and tells her to call DS sister in five minutes and remind her to sign for the the delivery.

*In all seriousness, I’m sure at some point in time she has been instructed about signing things and was just following those instructions or she just didn’t feel like signing, it’s hard to say.

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TPB’s Word of the Day

March 31, 2009 at 11:26 am (Word of the Day) (, , , , )

Last week the news reported that tomorrow there’s suppose to be some flesh eating worm virus going around the internet. Oh, like I have time to deal with that…what a pain in my ass. I had to go and make sure all the computers were updated, come by the blog and slather some flesh eating protectant (FEP 45) on it and then send out a herd of pigeons to warn all my family and friends.  Totally sucking up my time from adding to my to-do list then promptly ignoring it, reading blogs, and watching the Trailer Park Boys.

That is all. Off to watch Ricky work on his grade 10 so he can change his “perspectant” on life.

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It’s a Knick Knack Patty Whack, Give the Frog a Loan

March 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm (Family Foolery) (, , , , )

True Story.

When I was just a wee lass my father like to drink a bit too much. However, times have changed and he hasn’t had nary a drink in over 35 years or so… but that really isn’t the point here.

Sometime in the early 1960s he came home from the tavern and in his drunkenness decided to get all up in my mother’s face and demanded to know what the point was of those fucking knick knacks that sat on the living room shelves. He went on to declare that shelves are for storage and to hold food, not stupid-ass pretties. The next day he came home from work to find all the knick knacks gone and the shelves held pantry goods thoughtfully arranged and on display. Knowing my mother and her wicked sense of humor, I’m surprised she didn’t have them priced with stickers and a grocery cart in the room to get them back to the kitchen.

Now we know why, even when my pantry is full of that shit, she keeps bringing me the huge boxes of fruit roll ups… she obviously has designs on any vacancies in my living room.

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Sassy Saturday

March 7, 2009 at 10:30 pm (Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , , , , , )

It’s Saturday night, booyahshaka!

This week has consisted of skillfully advancing my Guitar Hero career, mourning the imminent demise of my coffee pot, continued clearing of the Den of Doom, estimating the value of found doohickeys and thingamajigs, selling a Life’s Work on eBay, and eagerly awaiting the arrival of Grilling Season which officially kicks off tomorrow.

There were a couple of winters where I grilled year ’round but then I said fuck it. It’s just too much hassle, the light is on the opposite side of the deck from my grill and that meant using a battery powered lantern, it’s too damn cold here in the northern tundra and lastly, Official Grilling Season is fun to say and gives me something to look forward to.

Speaking of my Guitar Hero career, I wonder if they’ve come up with a piano version yet cuz if they have or do I would totally kick ass on that. It finally occurred to me this week that I should see if the Wii would run through my sound system so I could have my full on Midori rock-girl experience when I play. After my blonde moment had passed I remembered all I had to do was change the receiver to Video 2 and now arena, hall, live, or whatever mode I want it to sound like is just a button away. Oh yeah, sassy Poison Live! God I’m easily entertained.

Happy Official Grilling Season!

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Happy Single’s Awareness Day!

February 13, 2009 at 11:02 pm (Monkey Business) (, , , , , , )

Today Ms. Drill will sojourn to the northern tundra to visit Casa de Poison. We plan to suffer gluttony by eating big hunks of bloody red meat and getting our serious drink on while celebrating the day I came into this world. Hilarity will certainly ensue as we partake in the other Deadly Sins and when recovered, I will be back with tales of merriment, inebriation,  and most likely the burning and exorcising of demons.

Stay tuned.

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