We’re in the eye of a shiticane here Julian

October 29, 2010 at 8:28 am (Friday Soap Box, Oh Hell No) (, , , , , , )

The past few days we were experiencing a shitsunami. Pulling into my subdivision I noticed my friend’s house had some shingles blown up but not off. Started looking around and noticed other houses had loose shingles and then got to my house and noticed a section about 3′ x 2′ missing shingles. Fuck.

This house is 12 years old so this is a single layer roof and I have no idea what to do. I don’t think it will be worth an insurance claim because of the deductible so I guess I’m going to have to see if I have some extra shingles in the shed and climb my ass up on the roof and fix it. Ha! I’m pretty handy with duct tape, gorilla glue, and rubber bands but if memory serves me right this job will call for nails and a hammer.  Is there anything else you have to use? The layer of whatever it is that covers the wood is still there so that’s good. So if you happen to be in the neighborhood and see a chick on a roof it might make for a good YouTube video cuz this shit is going to be ridiculous.

In other busted shit news I’m trying to ascertain what’s going on with my furnace. I’m leaning towards needing a new thermostat and hopefully I can find the same model so I can plug it into the existing mount. It will suddenly drop temperature in here and then when I go and restart the pilot then it will start working again only to eventually wig out. I woke up this morning and it was 68° and so I did the restart thing and set the thermostat to 73° (higher than I usually set it) and now it seems to be working fine again.

Just talked to my repair guy and he concurs, it’s probably my thermostat. If plugging the new one into the mount doesn’t work he said he will come over and replace the mount. I’m feeling kinda smartypants having diagnosed this all by my girl self!

Being a homeowner is a pain in the ass. It would be nice if life would throw me a bone and let things break when I actually have a man here to fix them.

Today’s agenda is Target, PetsMart, Home Depot, tonight pumpkin carving, Saturday hair day for Mr. Wonderful and my mom, Sunday trick-or-treating. I can hardly contain my excitement.

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Poof into the night

July 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

So my buddy is gone, no sign of him or his new blog. Frankly, I’m a bit worried, I even left a comment on his FB but still no response to me or anyone.  If the new blog was still there I would just assume it meant he is MIA on an assignment again.

So Mr. Talker, if you read this please leave a comment, shoot me an email, something to let me know you’re okay. Total silence is beginning to freak me out.

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2010 is going to kick some ass, hopefully in a good way

January 8, 2010 at 11:26 pm (Dot's Pantry Tricks) (, , )

Today it occurred to me that no matter how much life can suck, it’s all still good as long as you can dance. I proclaim 2010 to be the year of dance! I often ask myself, “why so sad, girl?” a statement/question that cracks me up a little and in turn makes me feel like busting a move. That my dear friends makes for a good time on an otherwise dreary day.

Remember when I talked about the endless supply of Fruit Roll Ups? Grandma caught wind that Mr. Wonderful likes gummy bears so now he’s the proud owner of a six pound bag of Brach’s Gummies. Today she informed me she will be picking up more, it is clear she is stocking my pantry so we’re ready for the next Great Depression. She also picked up a ginormous box of Goldfish but I need to have her get some pretzels, they go better with the gummies.

Guess that’s all I got. I’m bored and dreaming of far-a-way places…

Now off with your bad self and go dance a little.

Feels good, doesn’t it?

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Todays search term that will land you here <—- “the poison in a dog’s butt”

December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm (Mad Cow List, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head, true story) (, , , , , )

Speaking of asses… I have no time to read blogs let alone blog myself but since I did managed to squeeze Christmas out of my ass afterall then I guess I can squeeze a blog post out of there as well. Merry Christmas!

Sitting here enjoying a nice fresh cup of coffee before I get back on my go-go and start cleaning before the festivities begin tomorrow. All shopping is done, there’s a bit of food and liquor in the house, and though I have a sinus infection all seems pretty good right now. Weather wise, wow… ice storm this afternoon and tonight but the roads are supposed to be okay by tomorrow afternoon. At least they better be… not sure which would upset Mr. Wonderful more, Santa not showing up or JDrill and her entourage.

Here’s a little story for ya. Back in 1978, my roommate (not JDrill, she has sense) and I decided to move to California. We had mentioned it a couple of times but it never was a serious discussion until we were doing acid one night. I believe it was in the fall, all I remember is it was raining, lots of rain and I’m not sure how it all came about… I was stoned afterall… but we just said to each other, “fuck it, let’s do this.”

We packed up her Ford Pinto with whatever seemed necessary at the time, you know, some clothes, makeup, can goods but no can opener, our two cats and four kittens, oh and some booze.  We went to our places of employment and left notes and then hit the road.  About 2 hours into the drive we went around a curve that had a warning sign but ended up in a ditch anyway. As we sat there a trucker came by but didn’t stop and a little bit later we saw the lights flashing on an upcoming squad car. Now don’t forget, we are stoned, on acid for Christ’s sakes. The Officer said he would call a tow truck but we told him we didn’t have much cash on us so he said, “ok let’s see if we can push you out.” My friend get’s back in the car and the cop and I are behind it pushing and as she hits the gas mud flies out from behind the tire covering the cop. Ooops. We did get the car out and amazingly he was cool about it so we were off on our tripping merry way but only for a couple of miles when we see lights flashing behind us. She pulls over and the same cop asks for our ID, goes back to his squad and after a few minutes comes back and tells us we are free to go and to be safe. We assumed at that point he started thinking that maybe we were runaways and should probably check it out.

We continued on our journey until we started getting tired/the acid was wearing off and at that point we were in Des Moines, Iowa, so we got a hotel room and slept a bit. When we awoke our craziness started sinking in and we decided we had better give our parents a call to let them know that we were okay. Having had frantic calls that morning from our employers they were obviously very concerned but we assured them that we decided our plan wasn’t a good one and were driving back home that day.

So kids, there’s today’s lesson…. if you’re fucked up and think it’s a great plan, it’s NOT. And that’s my Extreme Stupidity story of the day.

I hear ice pellets on the skylight. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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When life is tricky and I don’t mean a tricky dick, though one would be nice.

November 18, 2009 at 5:24 pm (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , , )

Last night I had a dream that just would not end. I’d wake up and go back to sleep and the damn thing would just keep going. It was about the love of my life but in present day. What do these type of dreams mean?

Last year I got in touch with him because when we split I promised him I would always stay in touch so give or take 20 years I felt it was important to keep my word. As fate would have it, we were both single and after a couple of months of phone calls that would last for hours at a time he flew from Florida to see me. It was great to see him but the end result was we both realized that our lives are very different and it just isn’t meant to be. Well that and the tribble but that’s a tale for another post.

So back to the dream. I think it means the next great thing is on the horizon. That’s my theory and I’m stickin’ to it. 2009 was suppose to be a great year for me but the clock is ticking and I’m not sure there is a grace period on this. The year is almost over and damn it… something good NEEDS to happen soon.

JDrill told me the other night she ought to introduce me to this guy she knows that’s a millionaire. Now most women’s response would be, Oh Hell Yeah! My response, “fuck, he lives 180 miles away and that sounds like too much trouble.” What kind of cuckoo brain says shit like that? No wonder I’m still single, I should just carry a cactus in my purse. Bonus points if you know the movie.

For a while now I’ve been trying to find something to blog about but seriously, there’s been nothing but dead air or chatter going on in my head. Tuesdays was the day I could usually pull out at least a sentence or two but now I have this new co-worker who brings nothing to work to occupy her time other than her voice so it’s constant chatter about nothing. She’s really nice enough but fuck, Tuesdays was my day to relax.

And now for a bit of corporate whining. I don’t know how I am going to make it to Christmas this year. The we are going to have such a happy Christmas ads have already started and I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to throw something at the tv each time I see one. We have “reality” (ha) tv, can’t we have some reality commercials? I really want someone to step up to the plate and say they know this Christmas is going to suck and give us some solution as to how we’re going to pull this one out of our ass.

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I want, I want.

October 30, 2009 at 1:05 pm (Electronics That Go Bump in the Night) (, , , , , )

I covet a Kindle. Yes, I NEED one of those. Now that I have upped my blog traffic I wonder if Amazon will give me one if I promise to do a review? I need some joy in my life, come on Amazon… make the widow Poison’s day.

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My Closet is a Scary Place

October 26, 2009 at 8:07 pm (Monkey Business, Polls) (, , , , )

After conferring with my magic 8 ball tonight, it assured me I would be going on a date soon. It’s been a while since I had one and I want to make sure I am dressed for the kill.  Though I have been compared to the likes of June Cleaver I’m thinking I need to leave the pearls and apron at home. Not wanting to appear as a desperate slut either I think I should probably save the leather and cat o’ nine tails for a more appropriate venue. Without those two options I have a serious wardrobe dilemma. 

I have sparkly cinderella shoes, a fox stole, miscellaneous “damn your ass looks good in those” jeans, flip flops with bunnies on them, some workout clothes that I’ve never actually worked out in, and some killer gladiator shoes that I can’t wear because it’s too cold. This is quickly becoming a sad turn of events.

However, a few minutes ago I was standing in my closet thinking that surely there must be something in here that would be date acceptable and then it occurred to me that hidden, in a very special secret place that has yet to be determined, I have a stashed outfit. If I remember correctly, I last wore this outfit in Nineteen Hundred and Ninety One and it totally kicks ass. There are black stirrup pants, a leopard jacket with black knit sleeves, 4″ heels that are striped cloth from the 1940s, cat-eye glasses… with rhinestones!, and some totally awesome garish jewelry.

So kids, what’s it going to be… jeans, fox stole and bunny flip flops or leopard jacket and cat-eye glasses? I report, you decide.

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Freaky Friday on Tuesday

October 20, 2009 at 11:15 am (Cleaning Fairies) (, , , , , )

Hey! How ya been? Seriously, times flies when you’re not having so much fun, doesn’t it? Been busy, blah, blah, blah, people have been pissin’ me off, blah, blah, blah.  Um no, it’s not you… just some idiot that for five minutes I thought I would let back in my life to only find I was disappointed yet again, will I ever learn?

A little bit ago I had a nice surprise and someone stopped by to see me. I’ve only been expecting this person (herein refered to as JC) to stop by and see me for some time now but I think he’s a bit shy and I’m a bit old fashioned, I like to be the one pursued at first.  I’ve known of this person since my late teens and mysterious forces have put us back into one another’s path. After talking for a few moments we discovered that our world is very small, very very small and it appeared to answer a big question for him so I think he will be calling again very soon. It’s hard to explain but I just have this very strange feeling and I think it’s actually a good one, God let’s hope so. I seriously need some good feelings, they’ve been so few and far between for too long now. Winter’s coming and wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone, with a genuine heart, to snuggle by the fire with. Just as a crazy aside, JDrill has been dating a guy for some time now whose birthday is the same day as her mother, JC’s birthday is the same day as my mother… kinda freaky.

My stepbrother is coming home from Germany on Friday and bringing home his new German bride to meet the family. Most of my spare time has been helping my mother get things in order for their arrival. Tomorrow’s the last day I have to help and so hopefully I will find more Internet time. Hell I haven’t even had time to read one of my favorite bloggers! Sorry dude. They will be here for a week and after that he is being deployed back to Afghanistan, please keep him in your prayer’s if you will.

A little linky to share with you all. I love Podcasts and recently just found Keith and the Girl, hysterical crazy ass New Yorkers. They have different daily guests, though my personal fav is Patrice… love her voice and she’s funnier than hell. I figure I only have so many more years left and one of my objectives is to go out laughing even if that means it’s just some stranger’s Podcasts. So go forth and enjoy! (FYI, they always start the show with a prayer but it in no way sets the tone for the show.)

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Hobos and etiquette but not etiquette for hobos

September 29, 2009 at 11:56 am (Family Foolery, true story) (, , , , )

Last week I’m sitting here at work and it’s raining outside. The door opens up and this guy is standing there wearing a black 13 gallon garbage bag around his torso. He inquires if I have another garbage bag he can have as he needs to go to the hospital and it’s about a 3 mile walk. I tell him no, all of ours are small. Why doesn’t he take the bus, does he not have a dollar? Perhaps he didn’t but if you give one hobo something word gets out and then they’re all coming in and asking for handouts.

      

My dog has been very very bad the past 6 months or so, basically he’s been getting to big for his britches/collar. I’ve had to go back to the basics and work on re-training him, one area includes working for any treats. In the past, each time he would go out he would get a treat when he came back in but because of the tough economic times I’ve been cutting back the treats anyway and now because he’s been acting like a total asshole he has to work for them.

When he was a puppy I would try and get him to sit and shake on command but it never went very well because he’s been clinically diagnosed by me and the Internet with dyslexia and when I would say sit he would stand on his hind legs, cross his front paws and start dancing. (If you think it’s unlikely that a dog can be dyslexic, my last dog went deaf and learned all by himself how to read lips.. true story.) He’s older now and has arthritis so his dancing days are over and I thought maybe now I can get him to sit and shake but it’s not going well. When I tell him to sit he will, though he sits more on the side of his hip, and when I say shake and try to tap his front paw to get him to raise it instead he lays down and raises his back leg. Ah, what are ya gonna do, I can’t hold his disability against him so in the end I figure he worked it and he gets the cookie.

 

Recently I decided to join a dating site. I know what I don’t want in a man and I know what traits I am looking for. I don’t want to waste my time or anyone elses with endless chats and meeting for coffee if I don’t feel there is going to be some kind of chemistry there. With that being said, before I open an email I check their profile and if not interested then I don’t bother reading the email. Once I sent someone an email and he didn’t reply so cool, not interested, let’s move on. Etiquettely speaking, I probably should come up with some suitable reply that says in some nice way, I have no interest in talking with you let alone dating you, so if anyone has any suggestions please leave them in the comments! Anyway, a couple of guys emailed me like three times but this one guy put in the subject line of his 3rd email, “you’re a creep and I hope you die alone.” I did open that one and all he said was “nice.” Seriously…the fuck? Ok then, thanks for clarifying how endearing you are and how you don’t have deep deep issues.

 

And now that you’ve read and commented please go read and comment on my Awesome friend’s blog!

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What is certain to become the next big reality show

August 25, 2009 at 2:34 pm (Oh Hell No, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , )

What is up with all these already fortunate people who have reality shows and then get more perks by starting their own lines and opening stores? I flipped on the TV yesterday and it was on E!  and those two Kardasian girls (spl of their names… don’t care if it’s wrong it’s not worth my time to look up). All their immature and crazy sister bullshit over “their store” and “radio show” and whatever else their spoiled asses had going on. Honestly, I could only take about 7 minutes of it and that was too much. Then there’s Jon from Kate + 8 – Jon… he’s now off trying to set up some divorced dads show and get a deal with the Ed Hardy line. Next up we have the housewifes of whatever city and they now have wig lines and CDs even though they show no talent. What am I missing here folks? How do I get one of these gigs? How about a real reality show on The Housewives of Dead Husbands? I think the title has a catchy ring to it.

Yeah, probably boring tv but hey if the money is rolling in I can surely find many ways to make things interesting!

ETA: Now that I think about it, yesterday’s butt explosion would have been a perfect episode. Not only did we have the drama of that, I had a slight meltdown at the vet’s office which I’m certain would have added a nice comedic angle. Hell my life is one thing or another on a daily basis so perhaps it could be interesting. And with all the trips and shit they supply to add to the shows, which of course JDrill would partake in, that is sure to make for fun crazy times… oh hell yeah, the wheels are churning. Where’s the link to Bravo and E! to pitch my ideas?

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