We’re in the eye of a shiticane here Julian

October 29, 2010 at 8:28 am (Friday Soap Box, Oh Hell No) (, , , , , , )

The past few days we were experiencing a shitsunami. Pulling into my subdivision I noticed my friend’s house had some shingles blown up but not off. Started looking around and noticed other houses had loose shingles and then got to my house and noticed a section about 3′ x 2′ missing shingles. Fuck.

This house is 12 years old so this is a single layer roof and I have no idea what to do. I don’t think it will be worth an insurance claim because of the deductible so I guess I’m going to have to see if I have some extra shingles in the shed and climb my ass up on the roof and fix it. Ha! I’m pretty handy with duct tape, gorilla glue, and rubber bands but if memory serves me right this job will call for nails and a hammer.  Is there anything else you have to use? The layer of whatever it is that covers the wood is still there so that’s good. So if you happen to be in the neighborhood and see a chick on a roof it might make for a good YouTube video cuz this shit is going to be ridiculous.

In other busted shit news I’m trying to ascertain what’s going on with my furnace. I’m leaning towards needing a new thermostat and hopefully I can find the same model so I can plug it into the existing mount. It will suddenly drop temperature in here and then when I go and restart the pilot then it will start working again only to eventually wig out. I woke up this morning and it was 68° and so I did the restart thing and set the thermostat to 73° (higher than I usually set it) and now it seems to be working fine again.

Just talked to my repair guy and he concurs, it’s probably my thermostat. If plugging the new one into the mount doesn’t work he said he will come over and replace the mount. I’m feeling kinda smartypants having diagnosed this all by my girl self!

Being a homeowner is a pain in the ass. It would be nice if life would throw me a bone and let things break when I actually have a man here to fix them.

Today’s agenda is Target, PetsMart, Home Depot, tonight pumpkin carving, Saturday hair day for Mr. Wonderful and my mom, Sunday trick-or-treating. I can hardly contain my excitement.

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Todays search term that will land you here <—- “the poison in a dog’s butt”

December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm (Mad Cow List, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head, true story) (, , , , , )

Speaking of asses… I have no time to read blogs let alone blog myself but since I did managed to squeeze Christmas out of my ass afterall then I guess I can squeeze a blog post out of there as well. Merry Christmas!

Sitting here enjoying a nice fresh cup of coffee before I get back on my go-go and start cleaning before the festivities begin tomorrow. All shopping is done, there’s a bit of food and liquor in the house, and though I have a sinus infection all seems pretty good right now. Weather wise, wow… ice storm this afternoon and tonight but the roads are supposed to be okay by tomorrow afternoon. At least they better be… not sure which would upset Mr. Wonderful more, Santa not showing up or JDrill and her entourage.

Here’s a little story for ya. Back in 1978, my roommate (not JDrill, she has sense) and I decided to move to California. We had mentioned it a couple of times but it never was a serious discussion until we were doing acid one night. I believe it was in the fall, all I remember is it was raining, lots of rain and I’m not sure how it all came about… I was stoned afterall… but we just said to each other, “fuck it, let’s do this.”

We packed up her Ford Pinto with whatever seemed necessary at the time, you know, some clothes, makeup, can goods but no can opener, our two cats and four kittens, oh and some booze.  We went to our places of employment and left notes and then hit the road.  About 2 hours into the drive we went around a curve that had a warning sign but ended up in a ditch anyway. As we sat there a trucker came by but didn’t stop and a little bit later we saw the lights flashing on an upcoming squad car. Now don’t forget, we are stoned, on acid for Christ’s sakes. The Officer said he would call a tow truck but we told him we didn’t have much cash on us so he said, “ok let’s see if we can push you out.” My friend get’s back in the car and the cop and I are behind it pushing and as she hits the gas mud flies out from behind the tire covering the cop. Ooops. We did get the car out and amazingly he was cool about it so we were off on our tripping merry way but only for a couple of miles when we see lights flashing behind us. She pulls over and the same cop asks for our ID, goes back to his squad and after a few minutes comes back and tells us we are free to go and to be safe. We assumed at that point he started thinking that maybe we were runaways and should probably check it out.

We continued on our journey until we started getting tired/the acid was wearing off and at that point we were in Des Moines, Iowa, so we got a hotel room and slept a bit. When we awoke our craziness started sinking in and we decided we had better give our parents a call to let them know that we were okay. Having had frantic calls that morning from our employers they were obviously very concerned but we assured them that we decided our plan wasn’t a good one and were driving back home that day.

So kids, there’s today’s lesson…. if you’re fucked up and think it’s a great plan, it’s NOT. And that’s my Extreme Stupidity story of the day.

I hear ice pellets on the skylight. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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When life is tricky and I don’t mean a tricky dick, though one would be nice.

November 18, 2009 at 5:24 pm (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Monkey Business, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , , )

Last night I had a dream that just would not end. I’d wake up and go back to sleep and the damn thing would just keep going. It was about the love of my life but in present day. What do these type of dreams mean?

Last year I got in touch with him because when we split I promised him I would always stay in touch so give or take 20 years I felt it was important to keep my word. As fate would have it, we were both single and after a couple of months of phone calls that would last for hours at a time he flew from Florida to see me. It was great to see him but the end result was we both realized that our lives are very different and it just isn’t meant to be. Well that and the tribble but that’s a tale for another post.

So back to the dream. I think it means the next great thing is on the horizon. That’s my theory and I’m stickin’ to it. 2009 was suppose to be a great year for me but the clock is ticking and I’m not sure there is a grace period on this. The year is almost over and damn it… something good NEEDS to happen soon.

JDrill told me the other night she ought to introduce me to this guy she knows that’s a millionaire. Now most women’s response would be, Oh Hell Yeah! My response, “fuck, he lives 180 miles away and that sounds like too much trouble.” What kind of cuckoo brain says shit like that? No wonder I’m still single, I should just carry a cactus in my purse. Bonus points if you know the movie.

For a while now I’ve been trying to find something to blog about but seriously, there’s been nothing but dead air or chatter going on in my head. Tuesdays was the day I could usually pull out at least a sentence or two but now I have this new co-worker who brings nothing to work to occupy her time other than her voice so it’s constant chatter about nothing. She’s really nice enough but fuck, Tuesdays was my day to relax.

And now for a bit of corporate whining. I don’t know how I am going to make it to Christmas this year. The we are going to have such a happy Christmas ads have already started and I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to throw something at the tv each time I see one. We have “reality” (ha) tv, can’t we have some reality commercials? I really want someone to step up to the plate and say they know this Christmas is going to suck and give us some solution as to how we’re going to pull this one out of our ass.

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Freaky Friday on Tuesday

October 20, 2009 at 11:15 am (Cleaning Fairies) (, , , , , )

Hey! How ya been? Seriously, times flies when you’re not having so much fun, doesn’t it? Been busy, blah, blah, blah, people have been pissin’ me off, blah, blah, blah.  Um no, it’s not you… just some idiot that for five minutes I thought I would let back in my life to only find I was disappointed yet again, will I ever learn?

A little bit ago I had a nice surprise and someone stopped by to see me. I’ve only been expecting this person (herein refered to as JC) to stop by and see me for some time now but I think he’s a bit shy and I’m a bit old fashioned, I like to be the one pursued at first.  I’ve known of this person since my late teens and mysterious forces have put us back into one another’s path. After talking for a few moments we discovered that our world is very small, very very small and it appeared to answer a big question for him so I think he will be calling again very soon. It’s hard to explain but I just have this very strange feeling and I think it’s actually a good one, God let’s hope so. I seriously need some good feelings, they’ve been so few and far between for too long now. Winter’s coming and wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone, with a genuine heart, to snuggle by the fire with. Just as a crazy aside, JDrill has been dating a guy for some time now whose birthday is the same day as her mother, JC’s birthday is the same day as my mother… kinda freaky.

My stepbrother is coming home from Germany on Friday and bringing home his new German bride to meet the family. Most of my spare time has been helping my mother get things in order for their arrival. Tomorrow’s the last day I have to help and so hopefully I will find more Internet time. Hell I haven’t even had time to read one of my favorite bloggers! Sorry dude. They will be here for a week and after that he is being deployed back to Afghanistan, please keep him in your prayer’s if you will.

A little linky to share with you all. I love Podcasts and recently just found Keith and the Girl, hysterical crazy ass New Yorkers. They have different daily guests, though my personal fav is Patrice… love her voice and she’s funnier than hell. I figure I only have so many more years left and one of my objectives is to go out laughing even if that means it’s just some stranger’s Podcasts. So go forth and enjoy! (FYI, they always start the show with a prayer but it in no way sets the tone for the show.)

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How Facebook will totally ruin my life

August 25, 2009 at 11:00 am (Oh Hell No) (, , , , , )

I thought Facebook was all about stalking ex’s and social networking. I can’t find the time to do anything I should be doing because I have to check my Vampire Wars account at least every 60 minutes so I don’t lose any blood. I am not a gamer but somehow I have been totally sucked (no pun intended) into this one.  Each time I check my account to deposit my blood I find that I have to either then do some missions, buy minions, or go on some attacks and it’s exhausting. Though I can replenish my health and energy it does nothing for me in my real life.

On another note, my dog’s ass exploded yesterday. Though I will try and not be graphic, for those who have delicate sensibilities you might want to skip this part.

Sunday I was brushing the pup and everything about him appeared fine. The next morning I got up and noticed that something was most definitely wrong in the hind quarters. He wouldn’t let me get anywhere close to examine but I knew it was not good. I rushed him to the vet and found out he had an anal gland erupt. She asked me if he had been scooting and I told him a little but not that much. Take heed… make sure your groomer is taking care of your dog’s glands. I groomed him last month but I had no idea this could happen if you miss one expressing.  So long story short, his ass is looking much better today and he should be just fine. I just felt like a horrible mom for him having to endure such a thing. Not only was it painful for him but can you image the humiliation he has to suffer? Mr. Wonderful goes and yells over the fence to the neighbors all about the dog’s butt, with their two dogs within ear shot. Now he’s the laughing stock of the neighborhood, all his dog crew are cracking butt jokes and now none of them want to sniff his ass. 

Since I’m making an effort these days to find the positive in all situations… I guess that’s better than finding out he’s some stray’s puppy daddy.

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Returning to the land of the living with more piss and vinegar

August 18, 2009 at 2:38 pm (Exorcising Demons, The Monkeys in My Head) (, , , , , )

If a few old posts show up in your reader today it’s because I chose to make those posts public again. I had marked a few of them private thinking that certain individuals might see them and heaven forbid someone see what truly goes on in my head. Well you know what, Fuck Them, I have a story to tell and if they don’t like it they can fuck me running. (Actually I won’t be running because that would be stupid and I refuse to run from anyone, well unless it’s someone trying to stab me or something.)

As I try to sort out my life and find some consistency, the last few months have presented a challenge at best. I thought the first year would be the hardest but have since found that was not the case. The first year was foggy and somewhat euphoric, having been set free from crazy at last. This year reality set in and it’s been spent learning how to manage all those broken bits of me and turn myself into something I should have always been.

Lack of time and deciding on what to blog about has been an issue. Like I said above, I have a story to tell but I’m not sure how to tell it and perhaps it’s only interesting to me, I’m just not sure. But I do know that I love making fun of myself over the stupid things I can sometimes do and doing so reminds me not to take myself and life so seriously because really, what good does it truly do to stress ones self into a frenzy when stress in itself has no positive outcome to any given situation.

So I vow here today, in front of both my readers, that no matter what kind of shit is thrown at me in the upcoming months I will refuse to lay down and let that asshole win. If I so much as hint at forgetting this, please remind me.

On an unrelated note, I had a date Saturday night and it was fun. I’m really on the fence about dating… my life just seems too crazy right now and not sure if I have the energy for it. I’ve never really “dated” much, for the most part I have always been in a relationship and dating confuses me and is so out of my comfort zone. But, I decided to stop over thinking things and just go out and have fun so that is what I did.

I’m going to get this posted before I change my mind and this ends up being another permanent draft that never sees the light of day.

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I am a killer of cute little chipmunks and rabbits, box wine for the bitches, and I no longer handle stress very well

July 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm (Exorcising Demons, Monkey Business, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , , )

Last week Mr. Wonderful was weeding over by the pond and yells, “mom, there are two dead chipmunks in the pond!” Sure enough there was, not like he would make that shit up but I was surprised. Though I do have chipmunks that live behind the pond I have never harbored dead chipmunks. After securing the crime scene I properly disposed of them (that is if properly disposing of them is picking them up with the pooper scooper and putting them in the weed trash can). Later I was talking to a friend who is pretty sure I am not a chipmunk killer and said that they must have gotten a hold of some poision and then when they went to drink out of the pond their stomachs blew up or some shit and fell in. Poor little guys. My blog might be called Poison’s Aftertaste but it has nothing to do with me poisioning anything, especially little wild pets.

JDrill is visiting for the week so now I have four doggies at my house. I’m certain that by the weeks end one of us will trip over one and break a hip. And it has now been determinded that my dog has lost his mind but I’m not sure why. More as the story develops. UPDATE: I now have five dogs at the house… JDrill’s boyfriend is over with his dog.

This morning I’m trying to get out the door for work and I’m standing on the deck saying goodbye to my company and next thing I hear is, “shit! Dog #3 has a rabbit!” (we have to count them like kids to make sure they are all accounted for… starting to feel a bit like Kate + 8 – Jon) Thank God her boyfriend was still here cuz we both yell, “dude… handle it!” I can scoop up a chipmunk with a pooper scooper but I can’t handle an almost dead rabbit. Turns out this was an already injured rabbit, car injury but man am I skeeved out right now with all the critters goin’ down in my yard.

Saturday night on our way out to the ho-down my neighbor text me and wanted to know if she could drop off her two dogs since she wouldn’t be home. Are you fucking kidding me!!! My dog freaks over fireworks so I already had to tranquilize him, two are fine with them and the other is deaf so obviously they don’t bother her. Though we never got to why I needed to watch her two dogs I seem to recall they don’t like fireworks either. She probably thought I was lying when I told her I was on my way out the door and already had 4 at my house.

We made it to the party Saturday night. It was on a river front property and not far from the city’s firework display so we had a good view for them. The group of people who attended were not my usual peeps but JDrill and I can roll with anyone and so we did. It was interesting to say the least and there was box wine for the bitches.  Enough said.

Tomorrow I will be busy setting up for a garage sale.  Nothing more fun then having a bunch yahoos traipsing all over your property, trying to steal or haggle over the price of almost free shit. Good times.

I’ve been trying to get this posted for two days so that’s it, I’m done, for now. Certaintly more hilarity to ensue this week so until then, toodle loo.

P.S. There may be many misspellings (including this word, I’m not sure). For one: we all have our words we jack up, two: full disclosure here… I took a Soma to relax my overstressed self.  Hey, I’m desperate and have no Xanax only dog tranquilizers. I’ve tried to spell check twice, on two different computers, both times it locks up.

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Weather, zombies, balloon, my foot is totally asleep and I stood up and almost fell down, twice

June 16, 2009 at 11:48 am (Could I Be Any More Boring?, Family Foolery) (, , , , , , )

  • Apparently I’ve gone international, hello Lithuania!
  • The life has been sucked out of me. All work and no play make me a boring person with little to blog about. We’ve had a strange spring, mostly cold and now we seem to be into a rainy season so when I’m not working and the weather is half way decent I have to quickly dash outside and work on my outdoor to-do list.
  • The weekend was the zombie march in Chicago. JDrill’s son was looking out his window and saw a couple hundred of them walking down Michigan Avenue. All I got from my window was a hot air balloon flying over head.
  • There was a family cook out this weekend. One of my siblings lives within spitting distance of me and I rarely see him. He’s retired so it’s not like he’s busy with work, he’s just a bit antisocial. When I arrived at the cook out my father introduced us… good one dad!
  • Lately I’ve been thinking a lot of where I’m at in my life and am finding that for the most part I am content. I think about dating but 1. I haven’t met anyone who interests me, 2. I’m not up for another disappointment, and 3. it requires effort that is better spent on creating an obstacle course to my heart.
  • See, told you I’ve been boring.

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If I don’t post something soon I should probably turn this into a craft blog.

May 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm (Exorcising Demons, Family Foolery, Monkey Business, Oh Hell No, Sassy Saturday) (, , , , , )

Hells bells and cocker spaniels.  Ok, fine, whatever, I’ll get off my lazy ass and post as I don’t want to be responsible for anyone dying on my blog.

Ms. Drill came to visit over the weekend. Not sure if I have security clearance so I can’t say what it is but she brought her new car… ooohhhh is it drool worthy! So much so that I had to name mine Clyde cuz that’s about what mine looks like in comparison.

In other news, we went out Saturday night and tore it up. We had a final destination in mind but after a couple of beers and a shot of tequila… as she put it, “our asses grew roots to the stools” we were sitting in. Turns out we knew the band and decided to hang there and get people dancing, which we did.  She was smarter than me though, she didn’t chance that second shot of tequila but I did. Then there was this guy, who whenever he came up to the bar would smile at me and by then I was starting to feel a bit brave and two certain people kept telling me to go talk to him so I did, only to find out the woman he was with was hidden by the popcorn machine. So as I approach I’m all like… ah fuck, how do I get out of this gracefully… so I kinda just walked around them and made a beeline for some other guy at the bar and started talking to him. Yeah, I’m real smooth like that. It’s a good thing I don’t do this kind of thing often, I’m sure my humiliation of the evening will keep me from attempting any more shots for a while.

To say we felt a bit fuzzy the next day would be an understatement and fortunately we only had a family cookout to attend. I was good and earlier in the day only had two beers, you know, to take the edge off. We came back home and settled in to watch Breaking Bad and both of us were a bit unsettled by the ending scene. The next day a friend called me to tell me that one of his friends’ daughter had died a few days ago from the same thing (OD’d) and a guy he worked with died on Sunday in a bike accident. Fuck.

So that was our weekend… how was yours?

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If We Don’t All Die From the Flu, We’ll Probably Starve to Death

May 1, 2009 at 9:14 pm (Friday Soap Box) (, , , , , , , )

Oh Hell No.

To quote the great philosopher JDrill:

Don’t worry so much about the flu, worry about what they are hiding. Using a big pig scare to keep the sheep busy. Look the sky is falling.

You know there’s something else going on that’s bigger than the flu, possibly the whole Paki-Tali thing. Being lazy and becoming bored easily, I only keep half-assed abreast of the news but from what I have gathered that whole situation does not look good. 

I have a bigger news theory but there’s no way I’m posting it. It would be just my luck it spreads like wild fire around the internet then I get a knock at the door and am taken away to never again see the light of day. Hey, don’t laugh at my somewhat paranoid ass, crazier shit has happened in my life and I’ve learned to expect anything and everything.

In a very nearby city they have closed their entire school district until further notice because someone “affliated” with the district has a suspected case of the Oh Hell1No1 flu. From what I understand, schools are being recommended to close for two weeks. I just don’t see how these logistics are going to work because you know damn well people will still go to work, send their kids to daycare if it’s open, get on public transportation, etc., only to send the virus back to the schools when they reopen. Seriously, people can’t even cover their coughs with their shirt, cough into their elbow or not use your phone in an office when they’re sick.

So I play nice and follow the rules and Mr. Wonderful and I stay home, how the hell am I going to cope with that? I love my kid dearly but to be housebound with a bored child for two weeks… somebody better send some damn good somethin’ this way. Then there’s the whole I need to go to work to make money so I can buy food and pay my bills. See what I mean, if the flu doesn’t kill us we will all starve to death because we’ll have no money for food, everything will be closed or just the fear of leaving your damn house will be too much. YiYiYi!

Hell the flu I had a two weeks ago might have been Oh Hell1No1 for all I know, there’s been a lot of flu going around this area the past few weeks. How are they distinguishing it? Are they sending out people in hazmat suits to take saliva samples?

It boggles my mind at how quickly this situation has exploded. Even though I stated I was firing the media, it’s kinda like a soap opera and I can’t wait to tune in tomorrow to see what the news brings.

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